PERSONAL BLOG
December 12, 2023
This image from 11 years ago today, on 12-12-12 at exactly 12:12 PM, I did something that changed my life. At the time, I had no idea the immense impact this little balloon release, which seemed small at the time, would have on my future.
Every year on this day, I will celebrate because in my mind, heart and soul, this exercise was somewhat of a rebirth and new start for me. I can only hope that if you choose to read this LONG ass post, that it might give you some hope, inspire you to make positive changes in your life and ask for help to get there, if you need it.
We all need help sometimes, so don’t be too proud to ask for it. People who love and care about you want to help. Give them a chance to do that and don’t expect people to be mind-readers.
After my divorce from my husband of 20 years, loss of my job, sale of my home, my two best friends moved away and unexpected death of my beloved dog, Summer, on Christmas Eve, I was in a VERY dark place. I was suffering from severe depression (though many people had no idea), anxiety, low self-esteem/confidence (which is not like me) and lack of direction.
I was drinking too much, eating terribly, not exercising, not sleeping, looking for love in all the wrong places and making some decisions I wasn’t proud of. In fact, some of them could have put me in danger and I’m lucky things turned out the way they did in some situations. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I had some disturbing thoughts that makes me sad to think I had gotten to that point and I told no one. I was just existing and wandering aimlessly through the days… totally lost.
You see, the trouble with being a strong person, who seems to most people, to have their shit together, is that people always make the assumption you’re fine. They don’t ask how you are really doing or when they do, they don’t really listen. That’s because they just assume that you’re strong and you don’t need help or support. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Lesson here - when you ask how someone is doing - PAY ATTENTION. Just because they say they are fine, doesn’t mean they are “fine.” There are always clues, if you slow down and pay attention to the little things.
With that said, I don’t blame anyone for not noticing how bad I was feeling because I was good at hiding it and I wasn’t honest when people tried to dig deeper.
Lesson here - DON’T LIE! If you are in a bad place, tell someone you trust. It’s okay to need someone to lean on once in a while.
Being strong can be isolating and when you’re having a weak moment, it freaks people out - it catches them off guard and they don’t know what to do. Because “it’s not like you.” Which makes being in a dark place even more lonely, because you feel like no one understands or cares.
So I kept it all in... Sure, I talked to some friends and my family. But no one really knew how bad I felt because I was too proud to admit how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I was ashamed and embarrassed I had gotten to this point. My pride got in the way - BIG TIME. Perfectionism was not my friend.
Lucky for me, my brother, Brian, recognized what was going on with me and proceeded to engage in a difficult, but, important conversation with me. I will be forever grateful he was brave enough (I’m told I’m pretty headstrong, intimidating and not easy to confront) and cared enough to call me on the carpet and hold me accountable for my actions, or lack thereof. He held a mirror up for me to take a hard look at where I was in my life and how I was living it.
Brian said that while he understood I had been through a lot in the previous six months, he believed that I wasn’t living up to my potential or living my best life. He told me “You have so much to offer - you are special. You don’t see what your capable of and your wasting valuable time feeling sorry for yourself.”
WOW.. harsh and insensitive I thought. What the hell did he know about what I was going through?!? He had a gorgeous wife, adorable healthy, daughter, beautiful home, successful business.. what did he know about loss!?!
It was hard to hear but, he cut through the bullshit. I was pissed at him for what seemed to be such a judgmental assessment of me. Dealing with all the losses I had suffered, all at once, seemed almost unbearable sometimes.
Let me state for the record, I am fully aware things could be so much worse - I had my health and no one had died. Which made me feel worse sometimes because I was throwing a pity party about things that could be fixed or changed.
During that conversation, he said you need to do something symbolic to let the past go, to move forward. His words swirled around in my head for about a month....how would doing this really help me?
Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The Universe provided me the with the perfect opportunity to do the ultimate reset on this special day and time. So, I took what might seem like a minor step (kinda hokey to some) but, in reality it was one of the biggest turning points in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that because I did this balloon release, I am where I am today. Each of the balloons represented something tethering me to my former life.
So, at that moment, 12:12 PM on 12-12-12, I consciously let go of all the things holding me back mentally, emotionally, spiritually and even financially from chasing my dreams and creating a life I LOVE.
CHANGE can messy, scary, frustrating, and REALLY hard. But, CHANGE can also be exhilarating, fun and offer an opportunity for growth, awareness, learning, new start, new life, new job, new relationship and so many other wonderful things you will miss out on if you don’t take chance.
But, you don’t have to wait for a day like 12-12-12 to hit the reset on your life and make changes to get you on your path. Life is about choices - choose to do what is right for you even if it’s hard, scary and might even mean you lose something in the process. But keep in mind, when you lose something that makes room for something potentially more positive. Everyday is another chance to change your circumstances. You just have to decide to do so.
7 years later, I have created an amazing, soul-fulling life because I was willing to make hard decisions, take big risks, make mistakes, endure some failures, not care what people thought and have the courage to actually make major changes in my life. I certainly didn’t do it on my own, but it was up to me to make things I dreamed of a reality.
Don’t get me wrong, the last 7 years were filled with pain, disappointment, fear, anger, loss and a multitude of emotions. But they were also filled with love, pride, happiness, excitement, and a sense of peace and awareness I’ve never had, until recently.
I now live in the majestic mountains of Colorado, somewhere I had dreamed of living since I was 15.
This summer, I married Duane. The incredible, amazing man I am so very proud to call my husband, who is almost too good to be true. I believe, with every ounce of my being, the reason I was so driven to come all the way to Colorado was to meet him. He is my soul mirror and partner in life. Call it destiny... I call it manifesting your dreams. Envisioning your life as you want it to be.
He is everything I could ever dream of in a partner. Everyone should be as lucky as I was to find someone who is as respectful and supportive and loves them just as they are. He inspires and encourages me to continue to chase my dreams and to be the best person I can be. I am eternally grateful and appreciative of finding him.
Currently, I am actively pursuing my dream of becoming an ICF accredited Life Coach. I know that my purpose in life and the reason I was put on this Earth is to help facilitate and support others to live their best life by encouraging them to chase their dreams, make changes and build a life they had only dreamed of...
In addition to my brother, there are two other people who significantly contributed helping me find my path. One was Life Coach, Scott Wintrip, who gave me the permission to question things, to think outside of the box and not feel the need to have the approval of others. I owe a great deal of gratitude to him for teaching me how to think differently.
But, the guy who started all this was my wonderful manager, Mark Vernon, who saw my potential and invested in a Life Coach for me. If it wasn’t for Mark, I’m not sure where I would be today. Thank you to both of these incredible men who, without a doubt, changed the course of my life because they cared.
It goes without saying my incredible parents, Keith and Patty Walker, with their unwavering love, support, and encouragement, are a big reason I am who I am today. Thank you for being such a shining example for Brian and I. I love you both and Brian with all my heart ❤️
So with that said, if you or someone you know is struggling, needs support, clarity, encouragement or help constructing a plan to make those dreams a reality, please contact me and let’s talk.
My hope and desire is for everyone to find the happiness and peace I’ve worked hard to find within myself, my relationships and my surroundings.
That conversations with my brother, Scott and Mark lit a fire inside me that burns like an inferno now. I’m so driven to live my life with no regret and no fear. In fact, fear drives me even more to overcome what I am afraid of...
PLEASE.. Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations with someone you love. One conversation can change someone’s life.
Even more so, when someone loves you enough to challenge you to do better for yourself, don’t get resentful and angry, be glad someone cared enough to notice and make the effort to help you. Thank you to all of my friends and family who did this for me.
But most importantly, care enough about yourself to not settle for anything less than what you want and deserve. It’s all up to you... so what are you waiting for?